Why now?

I have wanted to write a blog about what it’s like to live with chronic fatigue for many years. There were numerous times over the past three years that I came very close to starting one. My hesitation was me. I was holding back. It wasn’t that I was too fatigued to write, maybe some days that was true, but it was more than that.

First of all, I know I’m not the best writer. So I worry about that. My first blog post I must have revised countless times and had my husband check it.  I still don’t know if it’s perfect, but I clicked ‘publish post’ and there was no looking back. Even though I taught 5^th grade language arts for 2 years and writing was always my favorite subject to teach in 4^th grade, I don’t consider myself a good writer. Maybe my writing is good enough to be a model for 10 year olds, but is it really good writing? I definitely am not the writer in my family. School always came harder for me; I’ve always had to work really hard to succeed. Anyway, I know writing a blog is more about writing from the heart, and that’s what I’m trying to do. I will try to be less obsessive and critical of myself. Didn’t I always tell my students that if you write from your heart you can’t go wrong?

Secondly, I am a little scared. What will people think? Will they think I’m just complaining? Will they believe me? What will they think? Will they even read what I write? It’s hard to share something so personal. I was a little nervous about putting myself out there and exposing all of the things that are going on in my life. It’s also embarrassing to admit what I’m  struggling with, even though I have no control over how I feel physically.

Lastly, if I write about it, then it becomes more real. I struggle daily with accepting that this is my life. I miss my old life so much!! I was so happy!! When I first got sick, I was in my 6^th year of teaching. I was one of those crazy people who loved my job. I worked extremely hard and put everything I had and then some into my career. (Looking back, this was part of my problem) A good day in my old life would consist of working out, lunch with a friend, shopping for hours, drinks and then a late dinner out with my husband, watching a movie or tv and maybe going to bed around 11 or 12. Now a good day is doing some gentle yoga, working on my knitting, reading, watching my dog run outside and play fetch, cooking dinner for Steve, actually eating together (something we rarely do because of his crazy schedule), curling up to watch a movie and going to bed around 9:30 or 10.

Even though it took me a while to get this whole thing started, I’m already glad that I did. Even if no one reads what I write; it’s therapeutic. And who knows, hopefully, I can reach out and help people who are struggling with the same frustrating illness or help others understand more about CFS.