Thoughts on Summer

I love everything about summer. I love warm weather, sitting in the sun, swimming in the ocean, grilling out, shopping for seasonal fruits and veggies at farmers markets, and being able to wear flip flops. I grew up in a small beach town in NJ. My summers consisted of long days at the beach. When I was old enough I would ride my bike to the beach, stay there for the whole day, come home and shower, and go back to hang out at the boardwalk at night. I even picked a career (teaching) where I knew I would have my summers free so I could be a complete beach bum. That's not exactly why I decided to be a teacher, of course, but it was a big plus!

However, one thing I never realized about summer when I was healthy is that it's a completely exhausting season! Since I've been sick, the number of beach days I enjoy each summer has definitely decreased. (and not just because I live further away, although that does play a part) First of all, there's a certain amount of beach stuff that needs to be carried-- cooler, chair, beach bag, and occasionally I'll bring an umbrella. If I'm going by myself to meet friends it's exhausting to carry all of those items. (When I go with my husband, he carries everything for me. Now if only he loved the beach as much as I do...) Keep in mind that it's hard to find parking close to the beach. I have to lug my stuff from my car to the boardwalk to buy a badge, and then walk all the way down to the perfect spot on the beach. I usually take a break in between. Also, walking on the sand is hard and tiring. Of course it doesn't help to have the sun beating down on me at the same time!
Once I'm settled in my perfect spot, I can relax in my beach chair. I love sitting in the sun and going for a dip in the ocean. When I was healthy I could stay at the beach ALL DAY. By all day I mean, arrive at 10 am and leave at dinner time, around 5 or 6 pm. There is no way I could stay at the beach that long now. (Admitting this makes me so unbelievably sad!) Now I usually stay for a few hours because sitting in the sun seems to suck the energy out of me at a much quicker pace!

As much as I love the beach, these past few summers I've become more of a pool girl. My parents have a pool at their house. It's a short walk from their house to the pool. Plus I don't need to carry as much stuff. I just usually bring my beach bag filled with a towel, sunscreen, book, ipod, snack and a water. A much lighter load than my beach day necessities! The other benefit to the pool is it's easier to go for a short bit. When I drive 30 minutes to an hour to get to the beach, I don't want to just stay for an hour or two. However, if I'm staying at my parents I don't feel bad about just going over to the pool for an hour or two. A big plus is that the bathroom is close by and CLEAN! Beach bathrooms are the worst! The pool is definitely more convenient for me although in my heart I'm still a beach girl. There is something so relaxing about watching the ocean waves crash on the shore.

Of course, there are times when even going to the pool is tough. Earlier on this week, I was down at my parents to spend time with my brother, sister in law, niece and nephew who were visiting from IL. I just returned from my trip to Maine so I was not feeling good. I stretched my limits a little (actually, A LOT!) by making the trip because I don't get to see them often. Soon after I arrived on Monday, my mom and I took the kids, O and Ru, over to the pool. I quickly used up my energy by putting on sunblock, going in the pool, playing with the kids and just being in the sun.  After an hour or two, we headed home for lunch. I just wanted to eat my salad and then crash. Of course, since I was in a wet bathing suit, I needed to shower off before I could fix my lunch. After showering, I went down to fix my lunch. After I ate I realized it was only 2 and I was ready for bed. My nephew was asking who wanted to go back to the pool after lunch. Normally, a much more energetic, healthier me, would have said, Hell yeah! Okay maybe to my nephew I'd just say, Heck yeah! But I needed to rest. So I said I couldn't go.

I definitely struggle with accepting my health issues during the summer. I hate that I can't be out as much as I'd like to be. I don't feel bad about resting on the couch when it's a chilly day in January, but when it's a sunny, 80 degree day in July... I just want to be outside!

Has it Really Been a Month Since I've Posted?

Things have been hectic and busy in my life lately. Stressful....but the good kind of stress. My husband and I bought a town home! We're so excited!! It's been hard living in a small space and dealing with all of the noises from neighbors when I'm trying to sleep or rest. For the past few months, we've been looking at every open house and trying to figure out the best area to buy. We really want to remain a one car family (since my husband commutes via train into NYC). We found a perfect community that is right across the street from the train station. The house needs some updating, but it has a lot going for it-- beautiful pumpkin pine floors, spacious open living room/dining room, fireplace, etc. I do like being on one floor now because it's easier when I'm not feeling well. However, I'm looking forward to not having anyone live on the second floor! My upstairs neighbor's daughter loves to run around. The nice thing about our new home is the first floor has the laundry room, kitchen, bathroom, living room, and office. The upstairs just has the two bedrooms and two full baths. I'll pretty much be able to stay on one level most of the day. 


The stress and craziness will continue for the next few months. Our closing is July 15 but we won't be actually moving until late August or early September. We're also completely redoing the kitchen, some painting, getting  new carpet, and such all before we move in. Hopefully, it will all be done before we move in. That is the plan! And then of course we'll be unpacking and organizing until we're all settled. 


My goal is to continue with yoga, breathing and healthy sleep habits as much as possible. And when I just feel completely wiped out, I'll make myself stop and rest. Where would I be without naps?

Trying Not to Crash Before My Vacation

In four days, my husband and I will be leaving for a much needed vacation. We will be spending seven glorious days in the Sunshine state! We will be staying with my in-laws in Palm Beach Gardens and being that they are very supportive of my health situation, it should be a very relaxing trip.

I'm trying to pace myself carefully this week. I have a lot more to do than usual and I don't want to be worn out and exhausted before my trip. So I made a list of all the things I need to do and I'm doing a little each day. Right now I feel like I should be doing something, but instead I'm forcing myself to rest! I haven't been sleeping well this week either!  I really wish my brain had an off switch! I guess I have too much on my mind.  I was supposed to see my doctor yesterday but some of my test results didn't arrive yet. I'm hoping that I get to see her before I leave. However, I don't want to over schedule myself. 

I'm not sure if I'll be able to blog while I'm away. I may be too busy soaking up the sun (aka Vitamin D :)

One more thing, to all of my CFS friends, I'd gladly appreciate any tips on how to make traveling easier. I know this isn't going to be too tough of a trip since my husband is coming with me and it's a short flight. But managing the airport can be rather exhausting!!!

Good to be back

I'd love to say that I haven't been blogging because I've been feeling so great that I've been out every day doing fun and amazing things. Unfortunately, the reality is I've mostly been snowed in off and on, including an ice storm where I lost power all day. You're probably thinking I could have been blogging every day, with maybe the exception of the power outage. But I forgot to mention one important detail... my computer broke 3 weeks ago, and my laptop was in the hands of Best Buy's Geek Squad. Ahhhhh!!!

Being computerless was okay at first. Maybe because it was the weekend and my husband was home. But after a few days, I was really starting to go crazy. I never realized how many times throughout the day I used my computer. Each day, there would be many moments of wanting to google something, email someone, go on Facebook, look for a recipe, check a knitting pattern, order vitamins, and even pay bills! Going cold turkey was tough. In a real pinch, I could still access the internet on my phone. However, my connection was slow and it would use up the battery. There were many days I would think about going to the library to use the computers there. With the constant snow storms and dealing with CFS, that never happened.

Well now I have my computer back and you would think I'd be thrilled. Instead, I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. I don't know where to begin with blogging, getting caught up with emails, etc. I am so appreciate of computers. They do make my life so much easier. But they are also such a distraction and time sucker!  Also, when I research CFS or health topics, it can cause me to get anxious. As much as I hate to admit this, I was much more productive without having a computer.  I knit my heart out.  I knit two hats, one for me and one for my husband and also started two other projects.  I took more time in the day to practice yoga, meditate, write in my journal, and read.

Don't get me wrong, I'm beyond happy to have my computer back. In fact, I already used it today to get a recipe for my dinner, search for a knitting project on Ravelry, and catch up on Facebook. Truthfully, not having a computer made me feel even more lonely on days when my husband worked 16 hour days, which has been happening way too often lately. Overall, it was definitely an experience that  will help me be more conscious of how I use my computer. I could think of a thousand things to google or search right now. But I hear my knitting needles calling my name. Time to log off and work on my lovely leaf scarf!

Just say no!

Things I have to say no to:
-late nights
-intensive workouts
-wine :(
-shopping marathons


Things I hate saying no to:
-meetups with friends
-yoga
-driving down to see family in Red Bank
-knitting
-subbing (okay maybe I don't hate saying no to this, but it's hard to say no to extra money)


Things I can't say no to:
-cooking
-taking care of Raven, my dog
-food shopping
-laundry
-sleep


It's really hard for me to say no. Finding balance in what I can do and can't do is frustrating and hard. What usually happens is I don't say no to anything and then in a day I'll end up doing way too much. Wednesday I drove to my parents (50 min drive). After I heated up some soup and ate lunch, I took a nap. Then I went down to a bookclub (another long drive). The drive was tiring but it was worth it to see some friends I used to work with. A few hours later, I drove back to my parents exhausted. Then Thursday, I went for a knitting lesson early in the morning and ended up staying in the shop for 3 hours trying to finish a Christmas gift. I came home and ate a late lunch. I took a nap on the couch in the quiet house. Soon after I laid down, my dog was sniffing my face, her way of telling me she had to go out. I took her for a brief walk, went to the market, helped with dinner and packed up my things.  When I sat down to eat dinner, it hit me. My whole body hurt. I was overwhelmed with exhaustion. My throat was killing me, I didn't even want to eat. I started to panic. The thought of driving home at 6:00 pm in the dark was torture. The past two days felt like a marathon. Instead of bolting through the finishing line, I felt like I was inching along like a slug. A beat up slug. I drove home, carried some bags in and collapsed in my lazy boy chair. I couldn't move my legs. My arms and legs felt like they weighed thousands of pounds. I wanted to get a drink of water, but couldn't move. I wondered, what could I have said no to?