Thoughts on Summer

I love everything about summer. I love warm weather, sitting in the sun, swimming in the ocean, grilling out, shopping for seasonal fruits and veggies at farmers markets, and being able to wear flip flops. I grew up in a small beach town in NJ. My summers consisted of long days at the beach. When I was old enough I would ride my bike to the beach, stay there for the whole day, come home and shower, and go back to hang out at the boardwalk at night. I even picked a career (teaching) where I knew I would have my summers free so I could be a complete beach bum. That's not exactly why I decided to be a teacher, of course, but it was a big plus!

However, one thing I never realized about summer when I was healthy is that it's a completely exhausting season! Since I've been sick, the number of beach days I enjoy each summer has definitely decreased. (and not just because I live further away, although that does play a part) First of all, there's a certain amount of beach stuff that needs to be carried-- cooler, chair, beach bag, and occasionally I'll bring an umbrella. If I'm going by myself to meet friends it's exhausting to carry all of those items. (When I go with my husband, he carries everything for me. Now if only he loved the beach as much as I do...) Keep in mind that it's hard to find parking close to the beach. I have to lug my stuff from my car to the boardwalk to buy a badge, and then walk all the way down to the perfect spot on the beach. I usually take a break in between. Also, walking on the sand is hard and tiring. Of course it doesn't help to have the sun beating down on me at the same time!
Once I'm settled in my perfect spot, I can relax in my beach chair. I love sitting in the sun and going for a dip in the ocean. When I was healthy I could stay at the beach ALL DAY. By all day I mean, arrive at 10 am and leave at dinner time, around 5 or 6 pm. There is no way I could stay at the beach that long now. (Admitting this makes me so unbelievably sad!) Now I usually stay for a few hours because sitting in the sun seems to suck the energy out of me at a much quicker pace!

As much as I love the beach, these past few summers I've become more of a pool girl. My parents have a pool at their house. It's a short walk from their house to the pool. Plus I don't need to carry as much stuff. I just usually bring my beach bag filled with a towel, sunscreen, book, ipod, snack and a water. A much lighter load than my beach day necessities! The other benefit to the pool is it's easier to go for a short bit. When I drive 30 minutes to an hour to get to the beach, I don't want to just stay for an hour or two. However, if I'm staying at my parents I don't feel bad about just going over to the pool for an hour or two. A big plus is that the bathroom is close by and CLEAN! Beach bathrooms are the worst! The pool is definitely more convenient for me although in my heart I'm still a beach girl. There is something so relaxing about watching the ocean waves crash on the shore.

Of course, there are times when even going to the pool is tough. Earlier on this week, I was down at my parents to spend time with my brother, sister in law, niece and nephew who were visiting from IL. I just returned from my trip to Maine so I was not feeling good. I stretched my limits a little (actually, A LOT!) by making the trip because I don't get to see them often. Soon after I arrived on Monday, my mom and I took the kids, O and Ru, over to the pool. I quickly used up my energy by putting on sunblock, going in the pool, playing with the kids and just being in the sun.  After an hour or two, we headed home for lunch. I just wanted to eat my salad and then crash. Of course, since I was in a wet bathing suit, I needed to shower off before I could fix my lunch. After showering, I went down to fix my lunch. After I ate I realized it was only 2 and I was ready for bed. My nephew was asking who wanted to go back to the pool after lunch. Normally, a much more energetic, healthier me, would have said, Hell yeah! Okay maybe to my nephew I'd just say, Heck yeah! But I needed to rest. So I said I couldn't go.

I definitely struggle with accepting my health issues during the summer. I hate that I can't be out as much as I'd like to be. I don't feel bad about resting on the couch when it's a chilly day in January, but when it's a sunny, 80 degree day in July... I just want to be outside!

Come On and Get Happy!

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain." Maya Angelou

Well I definitely don't like my health right now. I hate feeling like I'm living my life in slow motion and putting my dreams on hold, while I watch others travel the world, have babies and flourish in their career. For me, an accomplished day is when I go to the food store.  How lame is that? I practically might as well be in my 80s, I frequently wear stretchy pants (leggings), I knit (need I say more), I go to bed early (before 10) , my in-laws have a busier social calendar than we do, and I take a nap each day! I usually am a positive person. But lately, I've been throwing myself the biggest pity party. I feel bad physically and I'm letting bad thoughts creep into my mind. Instead of being filled with hope, I'm filled with doubt. 

On top of feeling down, I've been very anxious. I worry about what supplements I'm taking. I wonder about my diet. I look around my apartment and make mental lists of all of the organizational things I need to do. I try to plan in my head where I'll be in the summer.  Will I be able to travel by myself to PA? When will I be able to have a baby? All of my worry thoughts totally mess up my sleep too.  I really struggle with living in the moment. I need to try and just do the best I can each day. If that means, I can't go out and just need a day in bed, that needs to be okay. I never know what the next day will bring and all of my obsessing and planning ahead is definitely not helping.  

So should I just plaster a smile on my face and sing songs all day? Even though that would be very entertaining for my dog, I don't know if that would help. So how do I get my happy back? The thing is I don't just want to be happy. I want to be content, completely satisfied with what I have. I want to be able to say: "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Philippians 4:11-12

If I ever want to be truly content, I need to be able to accept my situation and where I am. My mother-in-law always tells me, "You can choose your attitude, even though you can't choose your situation."  It's definitely a struggle to be content and at peace. Each day I have a chance to be hopeful and content or depressed, worrisome and anxious.  Really when you think about it, you can always find something to complain about. Being sad and miserable about your situation only makes it worse. 

I'm choosing happy. I'm choosing contentment. I'm choosing peace.  

There is a Reason for it All

I've been having a rough few days. It seems like I can't get out of this crash. So I thought I'd share this song by Alison Krauss and Union Station. The lyrics pretty much sum up how I'm feeling right now.

There is a Reason
Lyrics by Ron Block


I've seen hard times and I've been told
There isn't any wonder that I fall
Why do we suffer, crossing off the years
There must be a reason for it all

I've trusted in You, Jesus, to save me from my sins
Heaven is the place I call my home
But I keep on getting caught up in this world I'm living in
And Your voice it sometimes fades before I know

Hurtin' brings my heart to You, crying with my need
Depending on Your love to carry me
The love that shed His blood for all the world to see
This must be the reason for it all

Hurtin' brings my heart to You, a fortress in the storm
When what I wrap my heart around is gone
I give my heart so easily to the ruler of this world
When the one who loves me most will give me all

In all the things that cause me pain You give me eyes to see
I do believe but help my unbelief
I've seen hard times and I've been told
There is a reason for it all

I Radio Heaven

I believe in God. I believe He is powerful, loving, and full of grace and compassion for everyone who calls on Him. I believe that He loves me, cares about me, and has a plan for my life. I know He hears all of my prayers. He has answered many of them, big or small. But sometimes I feel a like He's distant. I pray countless times to be healed. I ask for the ability to have patience and accept my situation. I know deep down that everything happens for a reason. I know that all things work out for the good for those who love Him. Yet... I struggle. Will I ever be healed? Will I ever be myself again? Will my dreams of having a children, getting my masters, and going back to teaching ever come true? Am I dreaming too big? If this is how I will be for the rest of my life, can I be okay with that?

Today when I sat down to have my meditation and devotion time, I felt like the devotional I was reading was written directly to me. Here is what it said, "Sometimes we face struggles in life, and we are tempted to think that God has forgotten us. We may even believe that God no longer loves us. But God's love for us is as expansive as the open arms of Christ on the cross. And the tender compassion of our heavenly Father is more dependable and more enduring than the love of a nursing mother for her infant. Be comforted--His love never fails." Bill Crowder (Isaiah 49:13-18)

Reading that filled me with peace. I don't know if I'll ever get better. However, I do know that God will never forget me. He has engraved me on the palm of His hands.  He knows what's best for me and I need to trust in Him.

A new normal

Someone posted this article on another blog that I read. It's all about the stages of adjusting to a chronic illness. The stages mentioned are denial, fear, anger/frustration, grief/depression and then eventually acceptance. I really like how the writer describes each stage. I also feel like I continually go from one stage to the next.


I wanted to share an excerpt that really spoke to me:


" I love how Bruce Campbell says that acceptance involves the willingness to build a new life.   He discusses a great analogy on acceptance from one of his self-help groups.  The woman wrote an essay, “Welcome to Holland”, where she says that having CFS was like planning a trip to Italy but when the plane lands, you’re told “Welcome to Holland.” 

“Holland!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy.” But there’s been a change in the flight plan. You have landed in Holland. And there you must stay.
The important thing is that it’s just a different place. You must buy new guidebooks. You must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would not otherwise have met. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there a while, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.
So, welcome to Holland. Along with the patient in your life, you have landed in an unexpected destination. You have experienced the loss of a dream and are challenged to adjust to a different type of life than you had planned. You have probably lost some companionship and, instead, may have taken on new responsibilities. But, like the person in our class, you have a choice to dwell on what you have lost or to seek out new possibilities.

This is not the life I signed up for. I really struggle with acceptance because I don't want to believe that this is how I'm going to be for the rest of my life. Instead, I try to focus on accepting how I feel on a daily basis. Instead of thinking, I'm never going to be able to have energy again. I try to think, today I may not feel well but I will try to make the best of it and hopefully tomorrow will be better.


My faith has really been challenged through having CFS. I am constantly repeating Jeremiah 29:11 over and over again: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." It's so hard for me to trust and let go of all of my worries and fears. I find myself planning things for when I feel better. I try to plan when I'll be able to have a baby, when I'll be able to go get my masters, or when I'll be able to exercise like I used to. But when I'm filling my brain with these thoughts, it doesn't do me any good. Because then I'm constantly thinking about what could happen and not thinking about what I can do. I need to get used to this being my new normal.


So have I fully accepted that I have CFS? I don't know! I guess it depends what day you ask me!


I highly recommend that you read the whole article:
http://www.fightingfatigue.org/?p=8806