Thoughts on Summer

I love everything about summer. I love warm weather, sitting in the sun, swimming in the ocean, grilling out, shopping for seasonal fruits and veggies at farmers markets, and being able to wear flip flops. I grew up in a small beach town in NJ. My summers consisted of long days at the beach. When I was old enough I would ride my bike to the beach, stay there for the whole day, come home and shower, and go back to hang out at the boardwalk at night. I even picked a career (teaching) where I knew I would have my summers free so I could be a complete beach bum. That's not exactly why I decided to be a teacher, of course, but it was a big plus!

However, one thing I never realized about summer when I was healthy is that it's a completely exhausting season! Since I've been sick, the number of beach days I enjoy each summer has definitely decreased. (and not just because I live further away, although that does play a part) First of all, there's a certain amount of beach stuff that needs to be carried-- cooler, chair, beach bag, and occasionally I'll bring an umbrella. If I'm going by myself to meet friends it's exhausting to carry all of those items. (When I go with my husband, he carries everything for me. Now if only he loved the beach as much as I do...) Keep in mind that it's hard to find parking close to the beach. I have to lug my stuff from my car to the boardwalk to buy a badge, and then walk all the way down to the perfect spot on the beach. I usually take a break in between. Also, walking on the sand is hard and tiring. Of course it doesn't help to have the sun beating down on me at the same time!
Once I'm settled in my perfect spot, I can relax in my beach chair. I love sitting in the sun and going for a dip in the ocean. When I was healthy I could stay at the beach ALL DAY. By all day I mean, arrive at 10 am and leave at dinner time, around 5 or 6 pm. There is no way I could stay at the beach that long now. (Admitting this makes me so unbelievably sad!) Now I usually stay for a few hours because sitting in the sun seems to suck the energy out of me at a much quicker pace!

As much as I love the beach, these past few summers I've become more of a pool girl. My parents have a pool at their house. It's a short walk from their house to the pool. Plus I don't need to carry as much stuff. I just usually bring my beach bag filled with a towel, sunscreen, book, ipod, snack and a water. A much lighter load than my beach day necessities! The other benefit to the pool is it's easier to go for a short bit. When I drive 30 minutes to an hour to get to the beach, I don't want to just stay for an hour or two. However, if I'm staying at my parents I don't feel bad about just going over to the pool for an hour or two. A big plus is that the bathroom is close by and CLEAN! Beach bathrooms are the worst! The pool is definitely more convenient for me although in my heart I'm still a beach girl. There is something so relaxing about watching the ocean waves crash on the shore.

Of course, there are times when even going to the pool is tough. Earlier on this week, I was down at my parents to spend time with my brother, sister in law, niece and nephew who were visiting from IL. I just returned from my trip to Maine so I was not feeling good. I stretched my limits a little (actually, A LOT!) by making the trip because I don't get to see them often. Soon after I arrived on Monday, my mom and I took the kids, O and Ru, over to the pool. I quickly used up my energy by putting on sunblock, going in the pool, playing with the kids and just being in the sun.  After an hour or two, we headed home for lunch. I just wanted to eat my salad and then crash. Of course, since I was in a wet bathing suit, I needed to shower off before I could fix my lunch. After showering, I went down to fix my lunch. After I ate I realized it was only 2 and I was ready for bed. My nephew was asking who wanted to go back to the pool after lunch. Normally, a much more energetic, healthier me, would have said, Hell yeah! Okay maybe to my nephew I'd just say, Heck yeah! But I needed to rest. So I said I couldn't go.

I definitely struggle with accepting my health issues during the summer. I hate that I can't be out as much as I'd like to be. I don't feel bad about resting on the couch when it's a chilly day in January, but when it's a sunny, 80 degree day in July... I just want to be outside!

Has it Really Been a Month Since I've Posted?

Things have been hectic and busy in my life lately. Stressful....but the good kind of stress. My husband and I bought a town home! We're so excited!! It's been hard living in a small space and dealing with all of the noises from neighbors when I'm trying to sleep or rest. For the past few months, we've been looking at every open house and trying to figure out the best area to buy. We really want to remain a one car family (since my husband commutes via train into NYC). We found a perfect community that is right across the street from the train station. The house needs some updating, but it has a lot going for it-- beautiful pumpkin pine floors, spacious open living room/dining room, fireplace, etc. I do like being on one floor now because it's easier when I'm not feeling well. However, I'm looking forward to not having anyone live on the second floor! My upstairs neighbor's daughter loves to run around. The nice thing about our new home is the first floor has the laundry room, kitchen, bathroom, living room, and office. The upstairs just has the two bedrooms and two full baths. I'll pretty much be able to stay on one level most of the day. 


The stress and craziness will continue for the next few months. Our closing is July 15 but we won't be actually moving until late August or early September. We're also completely redoing the kitchen, some painting, getting  new carpet, and such all before we move in. Hopefully, it will all be done before we move in. That is the plan! And then of course we'll be unpacking and organizing until we're all settled. 


My goal is to continue with yoga, breathing and healthy sleep habits as much as possible. And when I just feel completely wiped out, I'll make myself stop and rest. Where would I be without naps?

Laughter is the Best Medicine

I don't know if it's my strict paleo diet or the vitamins, but this past week was a better week for me. I noticed that when I took my naps, I would want to get up after only fifteen minutes. Usually when I'm having a bad day and I lay down for a nap, I can be out for an hour or two. Mornings are still tough for me especially because my allergies have been out of whack!  On the plus side, I haven't had any joint pain, brain fog or body aches. I notice when I eat grains and sugars, all of those symptoms get immediately worse. My sleeping habits have improved and I've been getting seven to nine hours a night! Losing seven pounds was also a big plus! Overall, I just feel more like myself. 


My husband and I have been housebound the past few weekends since I was going through a pretty bad crash. We enjoyed getting caught up on season 3 of The Tudors and getting some spring cleaning done. However since I was feeling better, I decided we needed to get out. And more than anything, we needed a good laugh.


This past Saturday night, like most normal, healthy couples, we went out on a date night! With my diet I prefer to cook at home to eating out. After enjoying a delicious home cooked dinner of sauteed zucchini and summer squash and filet mignon, we went to the movies. We decided on the 7:15 showing of Bridesmaids in our local theater which is conveniently five minutes away. As we were waiting for the show to begin, my husband leaned over and asked me, "How does it feel to be out amongst the living?" I chuckled. When you have CFS, it's so great to escape and get out, especially when you've recovered from a bad crash! 


We wanted to laugh. And boy oh boy, did Bridesmaids deliver. It was hysterical! It was such a great distraction from all of my health issues! It was just what the doctor ordered! There were multiple times in this movie that I was laughing so hard it hurt. Although I do prefer the comfort of watching a movie on my couch, it was fun to be cracking up with the jam packed audience. (Although sometimes it took a while for the audience to quiet back down, so I missed a few lines. I can't wait to watch it again at home!) The only bummer was the movie got out pretty late. As a result, I was in bed by 11, which is late for me. I'm usually asleep by 10. I took it easy on Sunday and didn't crash. 


Along with practicing my breath work on a daily basis, I'm going to try and take time to laugh each day. Some things that make me laugh each day are watching my goofy dog, Raven, play, watching Ellen (I love her!! She cracks me up!), chatting with my husband, my silly niece or nephew or a funny friend, and even, laughing at myself when I do something completely clutsy! What makes you laugh? If it takes you a while to answer, then you probably need to laugh more :) Go ahead! It's good for you!


For more information on why laughter is the best medicine, read this article.


 ‎"If you are too busy to laugh, you are too busy." ~Proverb

Feelin' Fatigued, Lookin' Fabulous

I think I may have mentioned in another blog post that my husband, who loves researching, found an article about how chemicals in makeup can make people sick. I always try to keep everything as natural as possible. I don't use perfume. I avoid all harsh chemicals in cleaning supplies. I only eat grass fed beef and free range chicken. I try to only eat organic or local vegetables. However, I never thought about what was in the makeup I applied on a daily basis. The easiest thing would probably be to just stop wearing makeup. But I'm such a girly girl. I can't help it! Plus, when I'm not feeling well, applying a little blush or lipgloss perks up my face, which in turn makes me feel better.  I love having fun with makeup and playing with different colors. I was also the makeup manager when I was in the drama club in high school. I know, I'm a geeky girly girl.


So as my Laura Mercier foundation was running low, I decided it was the perfect time to try and find a better, healthier alternative. For me, foundation is always a necessity. My skin has an uneven tone and a few breakouts, so I feel better when I wear makeup. I found a great website called Skin Deep Cosmetics Database where you can research different makeup brands. They rate each product on a scale of 1-10, and break down why it got that score. Turns out my foundation I've been using for years had a score of 9! (0 being the least toxic, 10 being the most!) I was horrified! But not all of Laura Mercier's products received bad ratings. I love their kohl eye pencil and that scored a 2! I immediately decided to do a little spring cleaning with my makeup. I tossed the toxic stuff and looked for better alternatives. While on the site, I also researched my skin care products. I was relieved that my products from PCA Skin all rated between a 0 and 2. Phew! At least I don't have to toss them! 


After much research, I decided to give Jane Iredale's makeup a try. Her makeup is known as the skin care makeup and is the #1 choice of skin care professionals.  Here is what Dermstore had to say about her makeup:


Jane Iredale mineral makeup is the makeup for the new millennium. Formulated with pure micronized minerals and pigments, these all-natural cosmetics have the ability to cover almost any skin problem. Unlike so many makeup collections, the Jane Iredale line contains no oil to clog or enlarge pores and no talc, which can dry the skin. Each product is free of perfume, alcohol, chemical additives and artificial dyes, yet they all offer coverage that traditional makeup can only envy. 

Perfect for those with rosacea, acne and other sensitive skin conditions, Jane Iredale makeup evens the skin's tone while actually nourishing, soothing and protecting with natural ingredients. Jane Iredale ... as nature intended. 

As one of the original mineral makeup lines, Jane Iredale sets themselves apart from the competition by offering a wide variety of cosmetics for the face, cheeks, eyes and lips in every color imaginable. You'll not only be able to create any look you desire, but that look will last all day long -- without harming your skin. 
Jane Iredale Amazing Base, PurePressed Base, Powder-Me SPF, Dream Tint and Lip Drink are now recommended by the Skin Cancer Foundation, which means you can trust these popular products to provide SPF 15 and higher water-resistant sun protection without causing sun sensitivity or skin irritation."


Okay, here's the scoop on my new favorite products that all had a great score of 2!


 I love her Dream Tint.  It's an oil free tinted moisturizer that also has an SPF 15. It hydrates, prevents water loss, calms inflammation, and improves the skins elasticity. It's good for people like me, who don't like a heavy feeling of makeup. You can wear it alone but it's great to use as a primer before adding some powder. Plus, it's an Allure reader's choice award winner and it's recommended by the Skin Care Foundation!












After applying my dream tint, I love the Pure Pressed Base Mineral Foundation with an SPF 20. This powder looks sheer and semi matte, and feels weightless. It's a powder, foundation, sunscreen and concealer all in one! It's water resistant and highly pigmented. It's oil, talc, paraben  and colorant free and is also recommended by the Skin Care Foundation. I like that I get coverage from this powder but I don't feel like I'm wearing any makeup. 

For those of us who need help looking more awake, concealer is necessary. I love Jane Iredale's Circle/Delete Concealer. It's an eye treatment as well as a concealer because it contains conditioners such as jojoba esters and avocado oil, both which are high in vitamins A, C, D, and E. It even has green tea in it! It's very creamy and easily glides on your skin. I also like that it comes with two shades so you can get a better match for your skin. I start by applying the darker shade and then blend in some of the lighter one. It also won Allure's Editor Choice Award. 

My last favorite new product is her Moonglow Golden Bronzer.  It's a set of four different golden bronze shades that are perfect for your eyes, cheeks, and lips! It's made with 24-karat gold flakes. This bronzer is perfect for those who were blessed with fair skin like moi! It has the perfect amount of shimmer. You can wear it in the day or brush it on your shoulders and décolleté at night! This product also won the Allure Editors' Choice Award in 2007








I am very happy with my new, natural, healthy makeup. I highly recommend that you give Jane Iredale's makeup a try.  You can search on her website and find a place that carries her products.  Also, Nordstrom sells some of her products online, but only a few of their stores carry her products. If you are feeling more brave, you can order online through Dermstore. Dermstore is a great online makeup and skincare site that always ships your products for free and gladly accepts returns. Also, it's a great place to read reviews. All of the products that I wrote about received high reviews and that's why they are shopper's choice products.  If you find a product you like on their site, set it up in your favorite and you automatically get an extra 10% off!


PS- Still curious about minerals? Read what Jane has to say about minerals.


PPS- All Jane Iredale make is paraben free and never, ever tested on animals.

Breathwork Follow- Up

In my last post, I wrote about all of the benefits of breathwork. It's only been a few days since I've tried to incorporate breathwork into my daily routine. I've noticed it's very easy for me to set aside time in the morning. Being that it's just me and Raven home at that time, I'm faced with very little distractions. Even though I know the benefits are huge to practice breathwork before going to bed, I haven't been very consistent. My husband has been working late hours, so I have been going to bed later. Sometimes after I read, I just lay down in my bed and do some breathing. (which usually doesn't last for very long because I fall asleep) Also, the weekend was a bit of a struggle because I didn't have my normal routine. On Saturday, I didn't do my breathwork in the morning. Throughout the day, I felt more anxious and frazzled. Another challenge I've had is I find it very difficult for me to just sit and focus on my breath because random thoughts pop in my head constantly. Another annoying distraction has been my allergies. I'll be sitting quietly and then have a sneezing attack. Now I keep my box of tissues close by! Overall, I'm feeling happy with the results so far. My goal for now is consistency. I'm trying not to worry over how many times my mind wanders. For now, it's just about making breathwork a habit.

The second cd of "Breathing: The Master Key to Self Healing" by Andrew Weil, M.D. includes eight strategies and three tips. So far I've been working on the first four strategies. I encourage you to try one or all of the them. Let me know if you do!

1. Following Your Breath
Simply put your attention on your breath without trying to influence it. (So hard for me, because I've noticed that I'm often taking shallow breaths.) Notice the contours of the inhalations and exhalations. When your mind wanders, which it will most likely do, just gently bring your attention back to your breath. He encourages you to make it a practice to observe your breath a few minutes a day. You can start doing it for two to three minutes in the morning to open your session of breathing exercises. Also, you can lengthen your time as a form of meditation. I find myself following my breath throughout the day. It's helped me to be more aware of how I'm breathing. I like to start with this before every session like he suggested. I think it's a good way to prepare for deeper breathwork.

2. Begin with Exhalation
Start by observing your breath how you usually experience it: in, out, in, out. Now reverse your conception of the breath cycle and begin each breath with an exhalation. (out, in, out, in) Do this for a few minutes without trying to influence your breath. You may be wondering what's the point of starting with an exhalation? Well Dr. Weil thinks that by doing this you're learning greater control of the breathing process and you'll be able to deepen your breathing by increasing the amount of air you move out. He recommends that you do this for a few minutes after an initial period of following your breath. I found this a little hard at first and I noticed I had to focus more. My mind didn't wander as much.

3. Squeeze More Air Out of the Lungs
The secret of increasing breath is to increase exhalation, rather than to extend inhalation. You have greater control over exhalation, and the muscles controlling it are more powerful. By squeezing more air out of your lungs, you'll take more air into them. Take a deep breath through your nose, as deep as you can. Let it out through your mouth, and when you think you've gotten to the end, try squeezing more air out. Squeeze a little more... and a little more. You should feel the effort in your ribs. I found I was able to squeeze more air than I thought. Usually my inhalations are longer than my exhalations. I noticed that when I did this, it helped slow down my breathing and make it deeper. I practice this for a few minutes after strategies one and two.

4. The Stimulating Breath
The Stimulating Breath is based on a formal pranayama breathing technique called the Bellows Breath. He calls it the Stimulating Breath because its purpose is to raise the energy of the nervous system and increase alertness. (Sounds perfect for CFS, right???) The idea is to breathe in and out rapidly through your nose, keeping your mouth lightly closed. Your inhalations and exhalations should be of equal length and as short as possible. You could even get three cycles per second. It produces a rapid movement in the diaphragm, which makes it a very noisy breath. When I did it, Raven got up from sleeping on her bed. She was very concerned and excited. This way of breathing reminds me of how she sounds when she's sniffing.

This is a more tiring strategy. You may even notice your body temperature rise slightly. He advises not to do the Stimulating Breath for more than fifteen seconds at first. I personally had a hard time doing it for even that long. I think that's mainly because I'm super congested with allergies. After you do the Stimulating Breath for fifteen seconds (or less), maintain a few minutes of regular breathing. He recommends that you slowly increase the time by about five seconds or so, until you have worked up to a full minute. I can't imagine doing it for one whole minute. But it's a worthy goal!

On the cd, we did a few more cycles of fifteen seconds followed by regular breathing. I did notice that it made me a little bit more alert. I can see myself doing this at various parts of the day when I'm lagging. Although, it may not be a good one to practice out in public.

Healing Power of Breathwork

As I mentioned in my last post, I've been feeling anxious lately and it's really effected my sleep. One thing that always helps when I'm feeling frazzled is to sit in my comfortable chair, enjoy some peace and quiet, and focus on my breathing. (and try to not let my thoughts interrupt my calm state of being) I used to have the habit of doing this for five minutes in the morning and five minutes before I would go to bed. But somehow I just got out of the routine. I really have no excuses, so I'm now trying to get back into my quiet time groove.


In order to get motivated, I decided to listen to a cd that I found very helpful. It's called, "Breathing: The Master Key to Self Healing" by Andrew Weil, M.D. The first cd is a lecture where Andrew Weil talks about the importance of breathing and gives tips. The second cd has different exercises for you to try and he walks you through them. 


Andrew Weil is an integrative doctor who believes the body can heal itself when given a chance. He uses the best alternative and conventional methods to heal this patients. His first option of course is to go the natural route, such as dietary changes, stress reduction, herbal remedies and breathwork. He got interested in breathwork by studying yoga (pranayama) and osteopathic physicians. He did some experimenting himself and then began prescribing it to patients. He's seen amazing results! Patients have improved digestion, improved circulation, gotten rid of insomnia, and diminished panic attacks. He practically recommends breathwork to all his patients now since stress is the primary cause of most illnesses. He believes that breathwork is a powerful technique to center your mind, help you work more effectively, and deal better with everyday challenges.


 Breathing is the only function we do completely consciously or unconsciously. Imbalances of the autonomic nervous system are the root of many health problems. The ANS affects heart rate, digestion, respiration, etc. Whereas most of the actions are involuntary, some such as breathing work in tandem with the conscious mind. It is divided into two subsystems: the parasympathetic nervous system (responsible for stimulation of "rest and digest" activities) and the sympathetic nervous system ("fight or flight" which allows your body to function under stress). They both usually work in flow.  However, most people have overactive sympathetic nervous systems due to their stressful, busy lives. When your sympathetic nervous system is constantly in fight or flight mode, it can lead to high blood pressure, irregular heart beats, insomnia, cold hands, etc.  Breathwork increases the parasympathetic tone and your heart rate slows down and your blood pressure lowers. 


Breathwork really is the master key to good health. Best of all, it's free, requires no special equipment, simple, free of toxins, and it's right under your nose! 


Here are some tips he provides in the cd:


1. Observe your breath. Just pay attention to your breathing. If your mind wanders onto your thoughts, just bring it back to your breath. It will help keep your mind in neutral.


2. Try to focus on making your breath deeper, slower, quieter, and more regular. He believes these are qualities of good breathwork. (Instead of rapid, shallow, noisy and irregular, which show you're in a state of mental upset.) Over time your breath will change, and you'll feel better and at ease. 


3. Change the way you think about breathing by starting with an exhalation first. By doing this you can learn to take greater control of your breathing.


4. Practice abdominal breathing, allowing your belly to go out as you take a deep breath. He also recommends it's good to practice breathwork in comfortable clothes that aren't restricting so you can do this!


5. Practice anytime in the day. He likes to practice in the morning before he meditates, before he goes to sleep and another session in the day if there is a special need for it. He recommends that you practice a few minutes two times a day, every day. When attempting to change rhythms you need to be consistent. 

After listening to his cd, I was determined to schedule in time to practice my breathwork. I've been practicing for two days so far. I even practiced today after I went to gentle yoga. I really got my breathing on! My routine has been to practice in the morning after I eat breakfast, get ready and walk my dog. That's always the part of my day where I can get panicky with my to-do list. So it's a good time for me to center myself. I immediately feel calm and focused. At night, I practice while sitting up in my bed. I definitely fell asleep quicker and was more at ease. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I try to do some breathwork instead of looking to see what time it is. If I find I'm getting frustrated at a traffic or a slow driver, I take a few minutes and focus on my breathing, with my eyes open of course. I really want to set this as a goal for myself. Do I think it will cure me? No. I don't think there is one magical thing that can cure CFS. But it certainly can help me deal with the stresses of living with a chronic illness. 

I encourage you to practice and let me know how it goes. I'm currently trying out a different strategy each day and plan to post more about technique and strategy another time. This post is already long enough. I'm almost out of breath. 

If you're interested in checking out this cd, click here

Come On and Get Happy!

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain." Maya Angelou

Well I definitely don't like my health right now. I hate feeling like I'm living my life in slow motion and putting my dreams on hold, while I watch others travel the world, have babies and flourish in their career. For me, an accomplished day is when I go to the food store.  How lame is that? I practically might as well be in my 80s, I frequently wear stretchy pants (leggings), I knit (need I say more), I go to bed early (before 10) , my in-laws have a busier social calendar than we do, and I take a nap each day! I usually am a positive person. But lately, I've been throwing myself the biggest pity party. I feel bad physically and I'm letting bad thoughts creep into my mind. Instead of being filled with hope, I'm filled with doubt. 

On top of feeling down, I've been very anxious. I worry about what supplements I'm taking. I wonder about my diet. I look around my apartment and make mental lists of all of the organizational things I need to do. I try to plan in my head where I'll be in the summer.  Will I be able to travel by myself to PA? When will I be able to have a baby? All of my worry thoughts totally mess up my sleep too.  I really struggle with living in the moment. I need to try and just do the best I can each day. If that means, I can't go out and just need a day in bed, that needs to be okay. I never know what the next day will bring and all of my obsessing and planning ahead is definitely not helping.  

So should I just plaster a smile on my face and sing songs all day? Even though that would be very entertaining for my dog, I don't know if that would help. So how do I get my happy back? The thing is I don't just want to be happy. I want to be content, completely satisfied with what I have. I want to be able to say: "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Philippians 4:11-12

If I ever want to be truly content, I need to be able to accept my situation and where I am. My mother-in-law always tells me, "You can choose your attitude, even though you can't choose your situation."  It's definitely a struggle to be content and at peace. Each day I have a chance to be hopeful and content or depressed, worrisome and anxious.  Really when you think about it, you can always find something to complain about. Being sad and miserable about your situation only makes it worse. 

I'm choosing happy. I'm choosing contentment. I'm choosing peace.  

Feeling Cluttered

I live in a two bedroom, one floor apartment, so it's hard to keep it clutter free. We previously lived in a three bedroom house and so we've accumulated a lot of stuff. Mostly because both my husband and I are both pack rats. Okay, I'm slightly more of a pack rat than him. I tend to keep things for sentimental reasons, like the flip flop salt and pepper shakers that he bought me in FL when we first started dating. We do not have a garage, basement or attic, but we do have a storage unit. Our storage unit is so jam-packed, it's ridiculous. We have a lot of furniture in there that won't fit in our current living space--leather chairs, hutch, desk, a few dining room chairs and other random things such as bikes, kayaks, shovels, etc. Also, we have boxes and boxes of my teaching supplies. I can't seem to part with these even though I don't know when I'll be teaching again (notice I used when and not IF). 

I am now realizing that living in a smaller space, we really need to get our act together and seriously de-clutter our home. Our second bedroom, which is supposed to serve as an office/guest room, is what my husband lovingly calls, "the keeping room." Now that we're hoping one day soon we'll be able to transform that room into a nursery, we need to make part of our living room an office space. But before we can even think about that, I'd like to be able to see the bed and the desk in the guest room without piles and piles of clutter.

Since I'm home all day with the cluttered, chaotic mess, I've been starting to go crazy. As a result, I've caught the spring cleaning bug. I've been making lists room by room of things that need to be dealt with, closets that need to be organized, paintings that need to be hung, etc. The problem is the only thing I truly have energy for is making the list. And truthfully, that even made me tired. 

The first big job on my spring cleaning list was to pack away winter clothes, coats, boots and scarves and unpack all things springy and summery.  My husband always tells me I don't like to start something if I can't finish it, which is so true. If I know I don't have energy to tackle the whole task, I won't even start. Probably because in order for it to get clean and organized, I first need to make a big mess. And then if I don't finish, well now I'm living with a bigger mess. This weekend he willingly agreed to help get our closets switched and organized. Also, we finally unpacked one box that we somehow randomly forgot about that's been sitting in our dining room for over a year (No judgement!) In the process, I put together a bag of things to donate, and a garbage bag. And guess where the flip flop salt and pepper shakers went.... GARBAGE! 

On Sunday, I was able to cross two things off of my spring cleaning list. I have about ten more things on the list. (Of course, organizing the guest room is equivalent to about ten of the other jobs.) But it's a good feeling knowing we're getting somewhere. Now that I have my list, if I ever have a day where I have energy after taking care of Raven, cooking, and laundry, maybe I'll get started even if I can't finish.

I should also mention, that I apologized to my husband because I was very enthusiastic about my "let's get organized" mission. I know he works hard in the week and likes to rest on the weekends. I hate to bug him with my Honey Do list. But he said, "I don't mind. I like helping you out." Did I mention I married the most amazing man? In November, I wrote a post dedicated to him. If you haven't read it already, here is my blog post about Steve.

I'll Just Ride on the Backs of the Angels Each Night...

So I'm back from Florida. As tempting as it was to stay in the warm weather, I'm happy to be back home! I had a wonderful trip. It was very relaxing! I slept well and felt okay for the most part. It's always tough coming home and recovering from traveling. A few days after I came home, I saw my doctor to go over test results. She was concerned with a few things and wants me to put my dream of having a baby on hold for a few months. I know she's probably right, but it was still hard to hear. On top of that, she had me do a liver cleanse that pretty much knocked me out for a week. So it's been a down week for me both physically and emotionally. I'm too sleepy to write too much about it now, but I just wanted to share a song. 

"Poughkeepsie" by Over the Rhine is probably one of my favorite songs of all time. I remember being captivated the first time I heard it live at a college music festival. I was instantly an Over the Rhine fan.

Here are just some of the lyrics that really speak to me:

Then the skies, they fell open
and my eyes were opened
to a world of hope falling at my feet.
Now I've no more or less
than anyone else has,
what I have is a gift of life I can't repeat.

So I go up Poughkeepsie,
look out o'er the Hudson
and I cast my worries to the sky.
Now I still know sorrow,
but I can fly like the sparrow
'cause I ride on the backs of the angels tonight.


I know this isn't the best quality of video but I like what Karin has to say about the song. Over the Rhine is an amazing band to see live so hopefully you'll see why I was captivated.

While searching for this song on You Tube, I found a video of my friend, Allie Moss, singing the same song. Equally amazing voice in my opinion. Make sure you turn the volume up!

Trying Not to Crash Before My Vacation

In four days, my husband and I will be leaving for a much needed vacation. We will be spending seven glorious days in the Sunshine state! We will be staying with my in-laws in Palm Beach Gardens and being that they are very supportive of my health situation, it should be a very relaxing trip.

I'm trying to pace myself carefully this week. I have a lot more to do than usual and I don't want to be worn out and exhausted before my trip. So I made a list of all the things I need to do and I'm doing a little each day. Right now I feel like I should be doing something, but instead I'm forcing myself to rest! I haven't been sleeping well this week either!  I really wish my brain had an off switch! I guess I have too much on my mind.  I was supposed to see my doctor yesterday but some of my test results didn't arrive yet. I'm hoping that I get to see her before I leave. However, I don't want to over schedule myself. 

I'm not sure if I'll be able to blog while I'm away. I may be too busy soaking up the sun (aka Vitamin D :)

One more thing, to all of my CFS friends, I'd gladly appreciate any tips on how to make traveling easier. I know this isn't going to be too tough of a trip since my husband is coming with me and it's a short flight. But managing the airport can be rather exhausting!!!

There is a Reason for it All

I've been having a rough few days. It seems like I can't get out of this crash. So I thought I'd share this song by Alison Krauss and Union Station. The lyrics pretty much sum up how I'm feeling right now.

There is a Reason
Lyrics by Ron Block


I've seen hard times and I've been told
There isn't any wonder that I fall
Why do we suffer, crossing off the years
There must be a reason for it all

I've trusted in You, Jesus, to save me from my sins
Heaven is the place I call my home
But I keep on getting caught up in this world I'm living in
And Your voice it sometimes fades before I know

Hurtin' brings my heart to You, crying with my need
Depending on Your love to carry me
The love that shed His blood for all the world to see
This must be the reason for it all

Hurtin' brings my heart to You, a fortress in the storm
When what I wrap my heart around is gone
I give my heart so easily to the ruler of this world
When the one who loves me most will give me all

In all the things that cause me pain You give me eyes to see
I do believe but help my unbelief
I've seen hard times and I've been told
There is a reason for it all

I Did the Unthinkable....I Threw Out My Leftovers!

Those who know me well, know that my favorite part of going out to dinner, besides not having to clean dishes, is having leftovers! I love leftovers. Forgetting my leftovers at the restaurant or having someone else eat mine can seriously ruin my day! 

Last night Steve and I went out to one of my favorite Italian restaurants. Usually when we go out for Italian, I order sauteed spinach and tilapia with a tomato sauce. I seriously order the same thing EVERY time. However, our main motive for going out last night was strictly health related.  My doctor wants to run some tests because she is concerned about the digestion/ IBS issues I have been having lately. She told me I had to add some things back in my diet before the test, like wheat. Let me tell you, she really had to twist my arm. So out we went. (I rested all day in preparation for our date night!)

Before we placed our order, I sipped my water and watched Steve dive in to his first piece of bread. Wait, I thought, for research purposes only, perhaps I should have a piece of bread. So I poured some olive oil on my bread plate and dipped a piece of bread in.  We ordered a small pear salad with gorgonzola cheese to share and then for my entree I ordered my absolute fave, penne with vodka sauce! This is a meal I used to typically order when I was healthy. Well I noticed that I wasn't even halfway through my meal and I was stuffed. I'm just not used to eating such a heavy carb load.

I was expecting to be happier after eating my favorite meal. Instead, I felt overly full, bloated, and had stomach pains. I don't know if those symptoms are caused by the foods I ate or the fact that I ate too much. My doctor thinks I may have food sensitivities that could be causing some of my symptoms. This could be true because last spring I was feeling better when I was gluten free, grain free, sugar free, fruit free, dairy free, etc. This past fall I added some things back into my diet and felt worse. I really don't know what the answer is. I don't think that eating the right foods will cure me, but I do think that it will help me. I did notice that I didn't really have joint pain or body aches when I was on the strict diet. I'm really curious what these tests will show!


So when I went to fix my lunch today, I saw my leftovers staring at me in the fridge. As much as I wanted to eat them, I didn't want to relive how bad I felt last night. So I did the unthinkable and threw them out. Instead, I fixed myself a big salad. After which I didn't have that full, bloated feeling. 

Perfect Therapist

Many people with chronic illnesses find comfort in going to see a therapist. Lucky for me I have found the perfect therapist. She always listens and shows no judgement. She never gives any advice, she simply just listens. She accepts me for who I am and doesn't try to change me. The best thing is I don't need to make an appointment to see her because she's always around. Sometimes to cheer me up, she'll lick my face or cuddle with me. If you didn't figure it out, I'm talking about my dog, Raven.

This was the first time I met Raven. I loved her right away.
I knew she was the perfect dog. What a love!

This is Raven the day we brought her home.
She didn't know what to do with all the toys we bought her!

 We adopted my dog Raven ten months after I got sick. She was almost a year old when we took her home. It was the best decision we ever made. Having CFS can be so lonely and I love having the company of Raven. It should be made clear right now that she is the perfect dog. For a 3 and a half year old labrador retriever, she is extremely mellow and gentle. She's quite content napping most of the day, just like me! She's so sweet, lovable and always happy! It's hard to be down when you're around her. If I'm having a bad crash, she'll have no problem curling up to take a nap with me. In fact when I lost power a month ago, she cuddled with me and helped me stay warm since we were without heat.

It's a big plus that Raven gets along so well with kids. It's
really sweet when Ruby gives her little kisses.

My nephew and Raven are best buds! He loves helping me
feed her, walk her and play fetch with her when he's visiting.




Raven has many playful moments which always make me laugh. She loves to go out and play fetch. Sometimes when she's very energetic she'll crazily run in loops. My husband and I call this her "mad dog run." It's pretty hysterical! It's funny to watch her retrieve sticks twice her size and strut around with them. When we lived in FL, she would pick up palm tree fronds and once she even found a coconut. We've never formally trained her but she is so good. I can take her off the leash to play and she'll never try to run away. She always comes when we call her name or one of her many nicknames. See, I told you she is the perfect dog.

Raven loves to run and leap in the snow. She gets so excited when we go out to play in the snow.
If it were up to her, we'd live where it would snow all year.

Raven even has a good sense of humor. I just finished knitting
this poncho for my niece and I needed a model! haha!



There are many benefits of pet therapy. There is nothing like the unconditional love and loyal companionship of a dog. They never have bad days or get moody. They're simply always happy to be with you. Best of all, they never care what you look like. They love you no matter what!

Raven relaxing with a stick after swimming in Maine.
What a life!





Winter Knitting Projects part 2

I've been busy knitting projects after Christmas. I guess I'm a little obsessed with the color grey! Currently I am working on two other grey projects! I can't help myself!

This is a cable pocket shawl made out of a warm alpaca yarn.





I love wrapping myself up in this cozy shawl. It's perfect for brisk winter days!

 

Grey hat for me, grey hat for my husband


 

This is probably the best angle to really see this hat. It's a cable slouchy hat knit in Berroco Flicker. 




This is probably my new favorite yarn. I love the silver specks!

Steve modeling his warm hat.




Letter to a Long Lost Friend

Dear Sleep,

Oh where have you been? It's been so long! Each night I hope I will get at least 7 or  8 hours with you. But it never happens! I am so exhausted each night. I read for at least 20 minutes and then my eyes start to close. I turn the light out... but nothing happens. I just lay there. But I don't get it because I'm so tired! I don't even have any stressful things on my mind!

Last night after an hour or two, I finally broke down and took an Ambien. But that really didn't do me any good at all! I eventually fell asleep for an hour or two, but I still woke up super early around 3:30. Ambien is not very reliable. I would like to try other medications, but since I'm thinking about starting a family I really don't want to get too attached to any drug. I suppose this is what what motherhood is like anyhow. So maybe this is preparation?

Without you, I'm useless. I wake up with a bad headache and sore throat. It takes me even longer to get going. My brain is a complete fog. My already small energy envelope shrinks down and I can't really do much at all. I sometimes will try to play catch up and take a quick nap in the day. However, I never actually sleep during my nap. Oh how I miss you so! Hope to see you soon.

                                                                                              Your Biggest Fan,
                                                                                               Amanda

I Radio Heaven

I believe in God. I believe He is powerful, loving, and full of grace and compassion for everyone who calls on Him. I believe that He loves me, cares about me, and has a plan for my life. I know He hears all of my prayers. He has answered many of them, big or small. But sometimes I feel a like He's distant. I pray countless times to be healed. I ask for the ability to have patience and accept my situation. I know deep down that everything happens for a reason. I know that all things work out for the good for those who love Him. Yet... I struggle. Will I ever be healed? Will I ever be myself again? Will my dreams of having a children, getting my masters, and going back to teaching ever come true? Am I dreaming too big? If this is how I will be for the rest of my life, can I be okay with that?

Today when I sat down to have my meditation and devotion time, I felt like the devotional I was reading was written directly to me. Here is what it said, "Sometimes we face struggles in life, and we are tempted to think that God has forgotten us. We may even believe that God no longer loves us. But God's love for us is as expansive as the open arms of Christ on the cross. And the tender compassion of our heavenly Father is more dependable and more enduring than the love of a nursing mother for her infant. Be comforted--His love never fails." Bill Crowder (Isaiah 49:13-18)

Reading that filled me with peace. I don't know if I'll ever get better. However, I do know that God will never forget me. He has engraved me on the palm of His hands.  He knows what's best for me and I need to trust in Him.

This Crash Was Not in My Plans

After I made some changes in my diet, I noticed I was having more energy. I was thrilled! Anxious and excited to do more, I started going back to the regular yoga class once a week. Immediately after class I would have more energy and then would rest for the remainder of the day. I would feel sore the next day from working my muscles, but I wouldn't crash. I would just plan to take it easy the day after my class. There were even a few weeks where I took 2 yoga classes in a week. 2!!!!!

However the past week or two, I feel like I am back feeling worse. I know it's bad when showering is an exhausting activity. Even typing this post is exhausting! Was I being too overly optimistic? Did I push myself too far? I hate that I can not predict anything with this illness. I used to love setting fitness goals for myself. I can't do that with CFS. I'd love to plan a trip out to visit friends in Pennsylvania.  I really can't plan anything because I really just never know.

I'm a plan ahead kind of girl who loves to be in control. I can maybe plan my meals but I can't plan what I'll be able to accomplish in a given day. I hate thinking about all the things that I want to check off of my to do list and wondering if they will ever get done. Will I have energy again? Will I ever be myself again? So looks like I may have to miss yoga this week and ride this crash out.  Now if only I could accept that I don't have control..... I'll save those ramblings for another blog post.

Winter Knitting Projects Part 1

Thanks to this incredibly snowy, cold winter we've had, I've been quite a productive knitter. These are the projects I knit for Christmas gifts. I also knit a scarf for my sister in law but forgot to take a picture of it. 

Hat I knit for my nephew Otis in 3 days! Love this easy care merino yarn!

Otis modeling his hat on Christmas morning.

Twirly, watermelon skirt for my niece, Ruby. I knit this in a cotton yarn and it has an elastic waistband. 

 

Ballerina wrap sweater for my niece, Lucia that took me a lot longer than 3 days!

I love this bow! Pink green polka dot perfection!

My nieces love their new hand knit clothes as much as they love each other.