Trying Not to Crash Before My Vacation

In four days, my husband and I will be leaving for a much needed vacation. We will be spending seven glorious days in the Sunshine state! We will be staying with my in-laws in Palm Beach Gardens and being that they are very supportive of my health situation, it should be a very relaxing trip.

I'm trying to pace myself carefully this week. I have a lot more to do than usual and I don't want to be worn out and exhausted before my trip. So I made a list of all the things I need to do and I'm doing a little each day. Right now I feel like I should be doing something, but instead I'm forcing myself to rest! I haven't been sleeping well this week either!  I really wish my brain had an off switch! I guess I have too much on my mind.  I was supposed to see my doctor yesterday but some of my test results didn't arrive yet. I'm hoping that I get to see her before I leave. However, I don't want to over schedule myself. 

I'm not sure if I'll be able to blog while I'm away. I may be too busy soaking up the sun (aka Vitamin D :)

One more thing, to all of my CFS friends, I'd gladly appreciate any tips on how to make traveling easier. I know this isn't going to be too tough of a trip since my husband is coming with me and it's a short flight. But managing the airport can be rather exhausting!!!

There is a Reason for it All

I've been having a rough few days. It seems like I can't get out of this crash. So I thought I'd share this song by Alison Krauss and Union Station. The lyrics pretty much sum up how I'm feeling right now.

There is a Reason
Lyrics by Ron Block


I've seen hard times and I've been told
There isn't any wonder that I fall
Why do we suffer, crossing off the years
There must be a reason for it all

I've trusted in You, Jesus, to save me from my sins
Heaven is the place I call my home
But I keep on getting caught up in this world I'm living in
And Your voice it sometimes fades before I know

Hurtin' brings my heart to You, crying with my need
Depending on Your love to carry me
The love that shed His blood for all the world to see
This must be the reason for it all

Hurtin' brings my heart to You, a fortress in the storm
When what I wrap my heart around is gone
I give my heart so easily to the ruler of this world
When the one who loves me most will give me all

In all the things that cause me pain You give me eyes to see
I do believe but help my unbelief
I've seen hard times and I've been told
There is a reason for it all

I Did the Unthinkable....I Threw Out My Leftovers!

Those who know me well, know that my favorite part of going out to dinner, besides not having to clean dishes, is having leftovers! I love leftovers. Forgetting my leftovers at the restaurant or having someone else eat mine can seriously ruin my day! 

Last night Steve and I went out to one of my favorite Italian restaurants. Usually when we go out for Italian, I order sauteed spinach and tilapia with a tomato sauce. I seriously order the same thing EVERY time. However, our main motive for going out last night was strictly health related.  My doctor wants to run some tests because she is concerned about the digestion/ IBS issues I have been having lately. She told me I had to add some things back in my diet before the test, like wheat. Let me tell you, she really had to twist my arm. So out we went. (I rested all day in preparation for our date night!)

Before we placed our order, I sipped my water and watched Steve dive in to his first piece of bread. Wait, I thought, for research purposes only, perhaps I should have a piece of bread. So I poured some olive oil on my bread plate and dipped a piece of bread in.  We ordered a small pear salad with gorgonzola cheese to share and then for my entree I ordered my absolute fave, penne with vodka sauce! This is a meal I used to typically order when I was healthy. Well I noticed that I wasn't even halfway through my meal and I was stuffed. I'm just not used to eating such a heavy carb load.

I was expecting to be happier after eating my favorite meal. Instead, I felt overly full, bloated, and had stomach pains. I don't know if those symptoms are caused by the foods I ate or the fact that I ate too much. My doctor thinks I may have food sensitivities that could be causing some of my symptoms. This could be true because last spring I was feeling better when I was gluten free, grain free, sugar free, fruit free, dairy free, etc. This past fall I added some things back into my diet and felt worse. I really don't know what the answer is. I don't think that eating the right foods will cure me, but I do think that it will help me. I did notice that I didn't really have joint pain or body aches when I was on the strict diet. I'm really curious what these tests will show!


So when I went to fix my lunch today, I saw my leftovers staring at me in the fridge. As much as I wanted to eat them, I didn't want to relive how bad I felt last night. So I did the unthinkable and threw them out. Instead, I fixed myself a big salad. After which I didn't have that full, bloated feeling. 

Perfect Therapist

Many people with chronic illnesses find comfort in going to see a therapist. Lucky for me I have found the perfect therapist. She always listens and shows no judgement. She never gives any advice, she simply just listens. She accepts me for who I am and doesn't try to change me. The best thing is I don't need to make an appointment to see her because she's always around. Sometimes to cheer me up, she'll lick my face or cuddle with me. If you didn't figure it out, I'm talking about my dog, Raven.

This was the first time I met Raven. I loved her right away.
I knew she was the perfect dog. What a love!

This is Raven the day we brought her home.
She didn't know what to do with all the toys we bought her!

 We adopted my dog Raven ten months after I got sick. She was almost a year old when we took her home. It was the best decision we ever made. Having CFS can be so lonely and I love having the company of Raven. It should be made clear right now that she is the perfect dog. For a 3 and a half year old labrador retriever, she is extremely mellow and gentle. She's quite content napping most of the day, just like me! She's so sweet, lovable and always happy! It's hard to be down when you're around her. If I'm having a bad crash, she'll have no problem curling up to take a nap with me. In fact when I lost power a month ago, she cuddled with me and helped me stay warm since we were without heat.

It's a big plus that Raven gets along so well with kids. It's
really sweet when Ruby gives her little kisses.

My nephew and Raven are best buds! He loves helping me
feed her, walk her and play fetch with her when he's visiting.




Raven has many playful moments which always make me laugh. She loves to go out and play fetch. Sometimes when she's very energetic she'll crazily run in loops. My husband and I call this her "mad dog run." It's pretty hysterical! It's funny to watch her retrieve sticks twice her size and strut around with them. When we lived in FL, she would pick up palm tree fronds and once she even found a coconut. We've never formally trained her but she is so good. I can take her off the leash to play and she'll never try to run away. She always comes when we call her name or one of her many nicknames. See, I told you she is the perfect dog.

Raven loves to run and leap in the snow. She gets so excited when we go out to play in the snow.
If it were up to her, we'd live where it would snow all year.

Raven even has a good sense of humor. I just finished knitting
this poncho for my niece and I needed a model! haha!



There are many benefits of pet therapy. There is nothing like the unconditional love and loyal companionship of a dog. They never have bad days or get moody. They're simply always happy to be with you. Best of all, they never care what you look like. They love you no matter what!

Raven relaxing with a stick after swimming in Maine.
What a life!





Winter Knitting Projects part 2

I've been busy knitting projects after Christmas. I guess I'm a little obsessed with the color grey! Currently I am working on two other grey projects! I can't help myself!

This is a cable pocket shawl made out of a warm alpaca yarn.





I love wrapping myself up in this cozy shawl. It's perfect for brisk winter days!

 

Grey hat for me, grey hat for my husband


 

This is probably the best angle to really see this hat. It's a cable slouchy hat knit in Berroco Flicker. 




This is probably my new favorite yarn. I love the silver specks!

Steve modeling his warm hat.




Letter to a Long Lost Friend

Dear Sleep,

Oh where have you been? It's been so long! Each night I hope I will get at least 7 or  8 hours with you. But it never happens! I am so exhausted each night. I read for at least 20 minutes and then my eyes start to close. I turn the light out... but nothing happens. I just lay there. But I don't get it because I'm so tired! I don't even have any stressful things on my mind!

Last night after an hour or two, I finally broke down and took an Ambien. But that really didn't do me any good at all! I eventually fell asleep for an hour or two, but I still woke up super early around 3:30. Ambien is not very reliable. I would like to try other medications, but since I'm thinking about starting a family I really don't want to get too attached to any drug. I suppose this is what what motherhood is like anyhow. So maybe this is preparation?

Without you, I'm useless. I wake up with a bad headache and sore throat. It takes me even longer to get going. My brain is a complete fog. My already small energy envelope shrinks down and I can't really do much at all. I sometimes will try to play catch up and take a quick nap in the day. However, I never actually sleep during my nap. Oh how I miss you so! Hope to see you soon.

                                                                                              Your Biggest Fan,
                                                                                               Amanda

I Radio Heaven

I believe in God. I believe He is powerful, loving, and full of grace and compassion for everyone who calls on Him. I believe that He loves me, cares about me, and has a plan for my life. I know He hears all of my prayers. He has answered many of them, big or small. But sometimes I feel a like He's distant. I pray countless times to be healed. I ask for the ability to have patience and accept my situation. I know deep down that everything happens for a reason. I know that all things work out for the good for those who love Him. Yet... I struggle. Will I ever be healed? Will I ever be myself again? Will my dreams of having a children, getting my masters, and going back to teaching ever come true? Am I dreaming too big? If this is how I will be for the rest of my life, can I be okay with that?

Today when I sat down to have my meditation and devotion time, I felt like the devotional I was reading was written directly to me. Here is what it said, "Sometimes we face struggles in life, and we are tempted to think that God has forgotten us. We may even believe that God no longer loves us. But God's love for us is as expansive as the open arms of Christ on the cross. And the tender compassion of our heavenly Father is more dependable and more enduring than the love of a nursing mother for her infant. Be comforted--His love never fails." Bill Crowder (Isaiah 49:13-18)

Reading that filled me with peace. I don't know if I'll ever get better. However, I do know that God will never forget me. He has engraved me on the palm of His hands.  He knows what's best for me and I need to trust in Him.